Updated: Jul 3
Ooooh the title itself is pretty touchy, aint it? So to be completely transparent, I am one of those, "I'm right AND have the receipts to go with it" types. Yes, hi, that's me. However, I found myself having a major shift in my perspective and attitude towards the middle of my pregnancy (surprise surprise). And let me just say, this shift has ended some friendships... Yikes!
Now don't get me wrong, I will still pull a receipt out, but not in such a rush as before. Why the hell not? A receipt is a receipt, right? Well, this is when I started to truly see the aftermath of my receipt pulling and questioned if it was truly worth it or someone's feelings (including myself) in the end. Let's break it down shall we?
So lets say something happens (someone is venting; I'm getting into it with someone; etc.) and BOOM, I pull out them receipts. Feelings would get hurt (on either or both sides), but in the end, I'm right! So in the words of my Ma Mabel, "tough titty"! But there would be times where I would find myself questioning the victory and begin to backpedal on whether it was worth it. Now comes the spillover. Spillover? What is that? That is the never ending tug-of-war, "but of course I was right, so I shouldn't feel bad" or "if they wouldn't have done X, we wouldn't be here right now"; essentially my subconscious was picking away at me. That would then bleed into something else, like my husband and I's relationship. Ooooweee, not the marriage! Yes, the marriage because that's my partner in life and we have a permanent "you gotta hear me out" card, that I want to play now. And he's my husband, so it should be easy for him to side with me, right? WRONG! My husband (really my voice of reason) would actually put me in my place and have me look at it from the other's perspective. Ugh! Ending his explanation with, "I'm with you babe... People are people, you're not always going to agree with what they do." Double ugh!
So now I'm really left in my feelings. AGAIN! Turning my ant hill into Mount Everest! So now it's time to look for validation elsewhere (aka find someone else to gap to), because hubby's response wasn't what I wanted to hear. So I find someone else to spillover into and now I'm hit with, "You're right Chanelle... but I know you did NOT...". Nooooooo! You said "but" (which cancels everything said before) and now this adds to my guilt pile! Triple ugh! Now this is just tragic! What the hell am I supposed to do with that? And it would take a while for me to get over it too. But then when I started walking away from friendships (and I'm talking BEST friends) that's when I said I needed to re-evaluate some things and get some understanding. And to my surprise, here's a few things that I was able to come up with:
First things first, I had to understand that just because my friendship is one way with one friend, it doesn't mean it will be the same with another. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care! I talked about this with someone who I call my sister the other day, as we are (and I mean rip the duct tape off) honest with each other. But just because we're able to function that way, doesn't mean another friend won't need a little more fluff. Simply put, ALL friendships are NOT created equal!
Say it with me... Less. Is. More. I now ask if my input is wanted, before just blurting out "It couldn't be me chileee..."
Language is a beautiful thing! There are so many ways that you can express a message, so from an accountability stance, I'm taking more time to think about the words to use to express myself. Don't get me wrong, it's still a work in progress because sometimes I may say, "let me get back to you on that".
Be honest if you can't take it on. I have straight up told friends to not tell me their grievances, knowing I was dealing with my own. And sometimes my grievances can cause me have the right answer but the wrong reaction (like how I did that there? Haha!) But there have been times where I will tell someone not to talk about something that we've talked about before and the person keeps re-spinning the web...aka insanity.
Last, I'm at a place in my life where I'm simply just too old for the shits LOL! I value my time and energy like no other now, and that may warrant change of the friendship's dynamic or even end the friendship. Case in point... I can be a social person with many people, but I am not quick to call a person my friend. Why? Because I take the title very seriously. If we're friends, I'm sharing part of me (my time, energy and space) with you and vice versa. And if I'm taking accountability in looking out for your best, but its not reciprocated, well it's time to part ways. And let me just note that just because a friendship ends, doesn't mean you have to have hard feelings.
Now with those being said, I'm sure someone would ask the question that I've certainly asked myself. With having these viewpoints does that change my perspective on whether I should have walked away from those friendships? And my answer would be, no. I've thought about those people, our friendship and truly wish them the very best. I don't regret walking away though, because I was fed up with our friendships and feeling let down. However, I do know that I played the "I'm right" card many times, and am certain that could have had different outcomes to situations, prior to me being fed up. But I'm confident that would have not changed the final outcome.